Please Do Not Listen to Noted Film Actor Stanley Tucci’s Cocktail Advice

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A post shared by Stanley Tucci (@stanleytucci) on Apr 20, 2020 at 11:04am PDT

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
          —Edmund Burke (misattribution)

Yesterday, noted cookbook author Stanley Tucci posted a video of himself making a cocktail. The video quickly went viral, prompting a lot of punny headlines about “thirst.” Like most people on the internet, I think Stanley Tucci is hot, and I liked him in, I want to say, Burlesque? But the drink he summons forth in this video is an abomination. Let’s begin:

0:03

Felicity Blunt [who, I gather, is Stanley Tucci’s wife? and also Emily Blunt’s sister?]: What are you going to make me?

Stanley Tucci: A Negroni.

Three seconds in and we’re already off to a bad start. The cocktail that noted glasses-wearer Stanley Tucci goes on to create cannot be described, in good faith, as a “Negroni.”

0:16

Stanley Tucci: We’re going to make a Negroni up. Mostly people have Negronis on the rocks, but I think, actually, they’re quite nice up.

Okay, so, yes, one can have a Negroni up. But cocktails made up tend to get warm quickly, since there isn’t any ice in the glass to keep them chilled, which means they’re best kept to three ounces or less. And, as we’ll soon see…

0:42

Stanley Tucci: And then what you want is a double shot of gin.

While I appreciate that noted Edie Falco ex-boyfriend Stanley Tucci might enjoy a boozy cocktail, a proper Negroni is made with a 1-1-1 gin-Campari-sweet vermouth ratio. Otherwise, the balance of the drink is thrown off, with the gin’s alcohol and herbaceousness overpowering the bitterness of the Campari and the sweetness of the vermouth. But, sure, okay, each his own.

0:46

Stanley Tucci: If you don’t like gin, you can use vodka.

Vodka, a much-maligned liquor, is actually a great, neutral, versatile base spirit for cocktails that are meant to be heavier on other elements. (Also, for my money, nothing beats a cold Cosmo on a hot summer night!!!) But a Negroni with vodka isn’t a Negroni. It’s one of many worthy variations on the Negroni—I would especially recommend the Rosita and the Boulevardier—but it isn’t a Negroni. And, frankly, it is irresponsible for a public figure of noted NHS supporter Stanley Tucci’s stature to suggest otherwise.

1:06

Stanley Tucci: So, a shot of sweet vermouth.

See note above re: balance.

1:07

Stanley Tucci: And use a good sweet vermouth. If you can find a good sweet vermouth, that’s great.

Credit where credit is due: noted Best-Spoken-Word-Album-for-Children-Grammy-Nominee Stanley Tucci is right. Use a good sweet vermouth. If you can find a good sweet vermouth, that’s great.

1:39

Stanley Tucci: Shake it up.

Okay. Okay. Until now, every deviation from orthodoxy—serving a Negroni up, the double shot of gin, swapping in vodka—could be permitted as a simple quirk of taste. But here, at this moment, noted stone-cold fox Stanley Tucci begins shaking his Negroni. This is unforgivable; it is barbaric. As a spirit-only, booze-forward cocktail, a Negroni should only ever be stirred. (Contra James Bond, this is also true of martinis.) A Negroni is far too delicate to stand up to the aeration and dilution produced by shaking, which is reserved for cocktails with ingredients that require a lot of mixing, like juice, egg whites, and so on.

This is not a question of personal preference; the only result of shaking a Negroni will be a cocktail that’s half-water. For me, watching this video, the nine seconds that noted bald king Stanley Tucci spends shaking his drink are pure torture. (Also, you would never shake any cocktail for only nine seconds, but that’s a whole other kettle of gin.) At this point, the video becomes physically painful, and I cry out to an absent God, asking why He has forsaken me.

1:55

Stanley Tucci: I put it in a coupe.

By now, I can barely see through the well of tears in my eyes, but please refer back to my note above re: serving a Negroni up. Traditionally, a Negroni is served on the rocks in an Old Fashioned glass. But this is a minor quibble compared to the atrocity we’ve just witnessed.

2:17

Stanley Tucci: Now, you want to garnish it with a slice of orange.

No, you do not want to do that. You want to twist an orange peel over the Negroni, releasing the oils onto the surface of the cocktail, and then, if you wish, drop the twist in as a garnish. But do not use an entire orange slice. This is not a little-league game, noted parent Stanley Tucci, who I’m sure is an attentive and caring father!!!

2:45

Stanley Tucci: And there we are. That’s that.

Here, according to noted person Me, is how you actually make a Negroni:

Place a single large ice cube in an Old Fashioned glass. Pour in an ounce of good gin, an ounce of good sweet vermouth, and an ounce of Campari. (Add some orange bitters too, if you’d like.) Stir for twenty to thirty seconds. Express an orange twist over the surface of the drink, then drop it in. Enjoy your drink and reflect on your choices, such as why you just spent an hour or so picking apart a perfectly harmless video by noted nice man Stanley Tucci.