DMs

Still from Ingrid Goes West, 2017

I've sent a grotesque amount of Instagram DMs in the past week. I used to be kind of picky about watching people's Insta stories. Partially because I found out way too late in the stories game that people SEE who LOOKS at their junk. When someone told me this it RATTLED me to my core because since I was in high school I've had an obsession with guy friend's girlfriends.

I wish I knew why. The obvious answer is I like the friend and I am jealous of the girl, but that has very rarely been the case (once). My best guess is as a bi girl I feel I could like everyone but I don't like almost anyone, and I'll never shake my desire to understand why people do like people I would never be into. Perhaps I've deep-dived into these girls online pools because I am asking, "Would I date her? If I were a boy? If I were a me?" All this is to say three years ago I was in a show with a super nice guy who was married to a super nice girl (let's call her "H") who posted around 20 IG stories a day. I would watch every single one without following her, ever commenting, or even meeting her in real life. It was just part of my routine. I'd take the train to work, double check my lesson plan notebook, read my e-newsletter, peep H_____'s stories. And then after a few months of this a girlfriend of mine was complaining how her ex looks at her stories, and I was like haha how do you know, and she was like because there's a list, and I was like um no there's not (denial at its finest), and she showed me, and I vertigoed off my bar stool and prepared to pass away.

So yeah, I stopped watching strangers' stories. OBVIOUSLY. I also stopped watching most stories. It's just better for me. I care about maybe 10-20 of my friends' daily content. (Grid for all my acquaintances, OF COURSE.) I'm happy with how I've trained my app to banish most stories, to keep just my real real friends at the front. If I don't talk to someone in real life, I don't want to know what they're up to every day. It makes me feel icky. Like I did when I would read that one guy I barely knew from speech tournaments' girlfriend's livejournal every day when I was fifteen.

But now I have a lot more time to look at my phone. And a bigger social interactivity hole to fill. So I am watching everyone's stories. Straight shoot them to my eyeballs, Zuckerberg! To feel less creepy, I'm commenting a lot. (Does this logic track?) My little "100!" emoji or "this looks like an amazing soup!" means "Yes, we haven't spoken in years and now I'm viewing your life, but I am normalizing it by casually reaching out. Hey GIRL!" Unexpectedly, I've started random longer conversations with some of these people. I have about three people I'm suddenly much closer to in the past three weeks? Like, their content is just vibing with me and we're out here goofin' on each other daily? Will we every hang out in real life again? No idea.

You'll never guess who my number one online Quarantine buddy is. Well, based on storytelling construction, I guess you can. It's H. We met just over a year ago at a party and followed each other. No clue if she remembered my stalking (or possibly never noticed?!) but we didn't engage much with each other until the first day of my distancing, she commented on the cookies I was eating. And we've been volleying ever since.

I find myself more open with anyone who is reaching out. Even the girl I went to college with who I barely knew and did not like (diva of the theatre department). She's been liking my ish for years. I've never followed back. Her profile is private, so I don't know the first thing about her. This morning we had an extended discussion about sprinkles. Idk. A little double-tapped heart response seems rude in times like these. Unthinkable to leave someone on "Seen." Some person filled my screen with cartoon confetti, the least I could do is type "Yay!" I can spot someone just as methodical as me from a mile away. They respond to a video of my hamster with more than applause hands. They say, "So cute!" I like the DM, respond back, "An angel!" They like my DM, respond back with a halo emoji. I like the DM. Respond back with two pink hearts. They like the DM.