Safe food

If you're like me, and you search "coronavirus" on Reddit, some of what you gravitate towards will be young women talking about how to create a food supply that can last them months and is also low-calorie and boring-tasting enough to be what they call "safe." There is literally a subreddit named "safe foods," which I look at all the time, even though it should be illegal—do not start reading it. I'm a lurker and I have a boy's username on both that platform and on Discord, where teenagers are talking about how infecting one's self with coronavirus and then touching the president can be considered "praxis."

When I went to the grocery store this week to get whatever I thought I would need to get through two weeks of isolation, I meant to buy safe foods, like the girls online. As you can guess, I track everything I eat in an app when I am feeling out of control of my life. But instead, without consciously deciding to, I bought everything I could think of that had ever been fed to me during my classic suburban upbringing, which was sponsored by BJ's Wholesale Club. My cupboards are now full of Goldfish, instant mac and cheese, canned fruit cocktail, Poptarts, and those orange crackers with peanut butter in the middle that make no sense. I do not know the calorie content of these items. My freezer has dinosaur nuggets and the mini ice cream cups that come with wooden spoon paddles. Nobody is here except me and my cat Ghost, who has three bags of food, and a carton of eggs.

As I am constantly telling everyone, processed foods are actually fortified with plenty of vitamins— something to do with making Americans stronger than other people during World War II. Very tacky, but just so you know. Last night, to reserve these things for when I really need them, I ordered a pizza for me and a boy I met 12 days ago but have already seen five times—our first date was the day of the first confirmed coronavirus case in New York and my friend Sam says I "manifested" him. He is tall and maybe I am having an inappropriate reaction to that, in times of being afraid and sad and wanting someone to make me feel physically small, like a child who is not in charge of herself. Or maybe I just want to write the Modern Love essay! My agent says "there will be one, but there will only be one." Anyway, I tipped the deliveryman 40 percent and then had a sticky sick feeling that was kind of like should I be tipping 40 percent when I just spent 200 dollars on groceries. I was so ashamed of myself for thinking that. Today I tried to make up for it by running out and buying a bottle of cough suppressant for each of my friends I feel are likely to forget. This was silly, and I know it.

I ate one of the ice cream cups a minute ago, even though they're supposed to be for a month from now, when I'm totally desperate for life's pleasures. One thing you can buy supplies for today, but make much, much later—because everything in it is manufactured to last six to eight years under the worst of circumstances—is my favorite dessert casserole called "Pretzel Salad," a fire hall church-dinner staple. Eventually I will vlog myself making this, because I will crave human contact even in the form of YouTube comments telling me the back of my head is shockingly flat.

--

You need: 

-- 2 cups of pretzels, crushed
-- 3/4 cup of butter
-- 1 cup, plus 3 tbsp sugar
-- 8 ounce package of cream cheese
-- 8 ounce Cool Whip
-- 6 ounces Jell-O (I usually do strawberry or raspberry)
-- 20 ounces frozen fruit (mixed berries are best!)
-- 2 cups boiling water

Instructions from my mom:

In a bowl, mix pretzels, butter, and 3 Tbsp sugar. Press into 9x13" pan. Bake @ 400 degrees for 8 minutes. Cool. In a separate bowl, mix cream cheese, 1 cup sugar, and Cool Whip until blended. Spread over cooled crust. In separate bowl, dissolve Jell-O in boiling water. Add fruit. Chill in fridge until mixture starts to hold together. Pour over cream cheese mixture. Chill in fridge until Jell-O is set.

--

Two things: I think we're all still allowed to kiss as long as it's inside; once you make it, you do have to eat the Pretzel Salad within three days or the pretzels will get super soggy!